how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
