He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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