I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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