i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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