whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
