we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I understand Curling. That high.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
