I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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