Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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