I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
