You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
