I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Randomize
