i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
