i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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