He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
