my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
