I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
