My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
