I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
