Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
