why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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