So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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