she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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