Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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