Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
