Don't you send me to vm
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
And then he peed in my hair
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