remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
