Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
