party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
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