Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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