Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
