She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Dating After Heartbreak
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
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How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight