After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.