Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
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tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
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"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.