I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Life without a bra equals bliss.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.