The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
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I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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