He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
