today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My vagina just clenched in fear
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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