Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
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it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
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So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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