Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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