If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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