I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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