honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
never play flip cup with pint glasses
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
