it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
