I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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