i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
