Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
