It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
