why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
