my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
