I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
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let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
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I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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