I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
