you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
