I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize