she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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