Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
