just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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