Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
