Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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