me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
