I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
