remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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