Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
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His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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